#we're taking him to the vet next week and i hope and pray it is sth that is treatable and not just him being territorial and

[n3ongold3n]

I just wished Maurice (i guess it's him but who knows at this point) would not have pissed into my drawer. Even with the enzyme spray it still reeks of cat piss because it soaked in there for a good couple of days i assume :') Oh well. Maybe another coating will do the trick.

[livelaughlego]

Lance has unexpectedly passed. We suspect he may have eaten a toxic plant when he escaped a couple times recently, as he had been vomiting nonstop and was very lethargic and hiding.

My mom also keeps her lily outside. If you know, you know.

All of the vets were closed, even the ER (only 12hr) so I decided to take him the next day. He did not make it to the next day. Around three am I heard him yowl loudly and I knew that was the end. I stayed by his side and so did Leo and Bella while he passed in my arms.

When I saw his hiding behavior and how he slowly moved from room to room, constantly accompanied by his brother, not responding to catnip and barely to pets, I think I knew. But I wanted to believe. To hope. He was still young, after all. But by the time a cat shows symptoms, it is often too late.

This has devastated me and I genuinely don't know if I can keep going without him. He was like a child to me. When I held him, my wails of grief rivaled any sound he could make. I have never made a sound like when I saw him lying there before, nor did I think I was even capable of it. I've never even heard such a sound, except for videos of people in warzones holding their lost children. I have lost several relatives, pets, and friends, but I have never felt such a feeling. It's like I'm a ghost, drifting from room to room. I'm watching from the outside and often find myself staring at one spot for no reason whenever I'm reminded of him. I sleep with his collar nearby, and feel the phantom pressure of a cat on me. My limbs are always numb and my chest aches. My body isn't my own. I can't go into public yet, because I'll only burst into tears the moment his face crosses my mind.

He was buried yesterday morning. This blog will stay up in memory of him. I may post old pictures occasionally.

(most TWs mentioned in tags are right below cut. seriously, do not click if you don't want to read about my mental illness and grief.)

This is his last picture alive and well, taken a few weeks ago. (He loved feet and shoes)

And this is his last photo ever, before we buried him.

It's like he's sleeping. That's what I've told myself since he passed. He's just sleeping.

He was so soft. He was so warm. He was my baby, my son.

He was at the top of my list of reasons to live. I had picked three reasons. Now there are only two, both of which are substantially weaker.

I have people to care for Leo and Bella, and my affairs are pretty much in order. I will not kill myself (don't get your panties in a twist 🙄), but if I die from grief then I will die at peace, my final declaration of love. The ultimate proof that I loved him so much, that I physically could not exist without his love. I pray for death to take me as I sleep, for God to take me how he did Enoch. For this pain and void in my heart to be gone forever. For me to join him in eternal slumber.

We'll just be sleeping. But we won't be alone. We'll have each other.

We're just sleeping.

I love you.

[behind-the-hood]

Hey babes, been a while, huh? So, I've been thinking about how I want to get back into the flow of things, and with that came my update on what all's been going on. And it's a lot. So I'm going to hit the big points and my pets, because they are my babies ❤

So, I got divorced, which was great. He's stolen my half of our last tax return he was required by our divorce agreement to give to me, and kept my stimulus checks, which is not great, and I will be taking him to court when my lawyer says the system isn't as slow as a snail on glue.

I've got myself a new boyfriend. He's...the best thing ever ❤ I don't wanna get too mushy on you guys, but imma marry that man ❤ We've been together for over a year now, and in that time we actually lost his mom...and that one still hurts me. She...didn't die in a pleasant way, and I hate that she won't get to see us get married or see her first grandbaby or any of the things she was so excited to see and do...😞

On a less depressing note, I got a lot of new pets. I got a job at the vet, and day four into my job, a couple of big ol' king shepherds came in; they were strays. (I theorize they came from a puppy mill.) Anyway, I adopted the female, and the male was sent to a shelter for german shepherds. Korra, that's what I named her, started getting fat not too long into my owning her. Or so I thought. A couple months later, I went from owning one dog to owning eleven. She had been pregnant and we were in major denial, lol. Anyway, the birth went well, all the babies were healthy, even the runt was doing good at first. She didn't end up making it, she was half the size of the others and some time into the second day, she stopped eating. Korra was sad when her baby died, but after about ten minutes of leaning over the runt protectively, she let me take her. I don't know if her instincts said it was best for the other puppies or what, but she eventually let it happen. After the eight weeks were up, and with the help of my childhood friend, we got all the puppies new homes. I kept one, named him Mikey. She and her parents kept a couple. She named her puppy Fonzie, and her parents named theirs Butch. All three get to go to the park on Sundays and play together. Korra doesn't go too often because she's protective of Mikey and we're working on that, but for now, she's too aggressive and by no means a small dog, so baby steps.

Edit: Captain passed away in November. It was particularly upsetting to me because he was sick before I left for Arizona for a few weeks, and I wasn't going to go if I thought he wasn't going to make it, but everyone insisted he'd be okay and that I should go. He didn't make it, and I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye...but he passed in his sleep at the vet, and he was on medication that kept most of his pain at bay...and that's probably all I could ask for...because they had called the day before asking if we wanted to have him put down, and we never got to make that decision...I feel like it was better that way...it always hurts more to have to put them down...Edit over.

My boyfriend and I also got a kitten. It's cute; he's never really had a pet of his own before and he's super excited about it. I wish I could describe to you the wonder and amazement on his face when he saw Victor use his litter box for the first time 😂 He just picked right up on it, and my boyfriend was so proud 🥰How we came about getting Victor is a little bit more depressing. Or stressful. I don't know; I'll tell you what happened and you can decided. His mom had a few cats, and Big Girl was pregnant. She had four little babies, one of them being Victor. I kept making jokes about wanting to keep him, but my boyfriend and mom were both adamant that I had more than enough pets--which is fair because I do, lol--anyway, they were hitting about seven or eight weeks old when my boyfriend and I were leaving one morning. He was taking me home before he went to work. He turned on the car and we heard a blood curdling screech from in the hood. I panicked and got out just in time to see a kitten run out from under the car dragging its front paw and trying to get away. I caught him and started panicking and crying because his paw was bleeding and I could see bone and I was just in a frenzie. My boyfriend had to get to work though--sometimes his work ethics are cute, sometimes they are frustrating 🙃--so I called my mom on the way to my house and told her what all had transpired and to have a crate ready because we were going to the vet. She called the vet to let them know ahead of time and when we got there, Victor was immediately taken back and examined. Long story short, the belt in the car had cut through two of his finger bones but the rest of the cut was superficial. They decided he would need surgery and sutures. We agreed, we paid, we prayed he lived through the surgery, and then we waited. Good news is that Sweet Baby lived, he barely had a limp despite almost losing his paw, he hated his sutures, and now he runs around and plays with Theo like nothing ever happened, lol. And my boyfriend just adores Victor, and it's very cute 🥰

Anyway, I couldn't stay at the vet because I kept getting sick and breaking out in hives and, turns out, I'm allergic to nearly everything under the sun except for foods and lizards 🙃 I decided to go into real estate like my mom instead, and I just finished up all my classes and am ready to go into the thick of it!! Wish me luck in that endeavor 😁👍

So anyway, I can't think of anything else at the moment. That's my life update--Oh! I got covid from my mom. My quarantine ended literally two days ago, but I only had a cough. That being said, I've been suffering from a sinus infection for well over a month now, and got my period in the middle of it all, so that was awful 🙃 But! All of this is to tell you that I'm hoping to get back into my writing soon, and can present you guys with all the things I never got to finish or would totally love to start!! 😁

There's no set date on when I think I'll have anything ready, but I'm hoping over the next month or so, I can put out the third part of the Papa Makedon series out. I also hope over the course of the week I can start looking at all the asks I'm sure tumblr never told me I had 🙃

Love you, babes!! I hope you all have kept safe and healthy, and I hope to get back with you soon 😁🤙

---

Here's my sweet girl Korra with all her babies. I believe they were about a couple days old at that point.

And here's my Mikey, as a wee one and as a big boy ❤ He's turning one on August 3rd you guys~ 🥰

And here's little Victor (please excuse the food on his nose, I thought it was adorable, lol. I've just mostly got videos of him, and not too many pictures 😅)